yucca_isnt_porn: (oh crap)
[personal profile] yucca_isnt_porn
When you're about to do some massive structual and landscaping damage to any area, you have to do some shopping. And sadly, the Winnebago, while nicely stocked for the trip and stuffed to the brim with equipment, doesn't have enough stuff to really knock any sort of reasonable dent.

Mother just doesn't have access to that kind of explosive, and really is somewhat self-preserving in the fact that he knows he shouldn't handle that much boom. However, that being said, he did plan ahead for this trip, and if he really wants to drive Black Mesa's secret alien agenda to bits...

He just wants to make sure he has EVERYTHING.

Which is why he has the address of every sex-toy shop on Nevada, and is mapping out a route for visiting as many as possible in a single day.

"Okay, Laini? Our first supply stop is here."

Date: 2009-04-02 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Laini glances up from fiddling with a program on her PDA, and gives a sideways look out the window at the store.

"... Aw, Mother. And you really were thinking of me the whole time."

Date: 2009-04-03 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"Really? I was thinking that Black Mesa might need a petting zoo."

Date: 2009-04-03 07:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Laini does her best to turn her snicker into a cough (ie, not that well), and then slips the PDA back into its pocket.

"There's a kilt joke in here somewhere if we dig deep enough, really. Are we going to inflate them with helium for some really entertaining UFOs, or...?"

Date: 2009-04-03 03:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"Or possibly super-glue them down to the ground and make them really hard to take off the course." He isn't bothering to hide that smile, or the faint chuckling.

The door is opened and held with a little bow. "Ladies first."

Date: 2009-04-10 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Laini smiles smugly, and steps out of the RV with every iota of grace and decorum of a fine lady exiting a carriage.

Even if she is a Fox wearing daisy dukes, a midriff blouse, and said carriage is a Winnabago.

"Do you think I should run some interference on the poor clerk? So if he ever does get questioned by the local authorities, he hardly remembers a thing about a man buying up his stock of inflatable sheep?"

By Laini's grin, this may be nearly impossible for her to do, but she is more than willing to give it a shot!

Date: 2009-04-11 03:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"I think they only carry 12 or so in stock at any one time, but if you can do so, by all means," Mother's exit from the vehicle is much less graceful and decent, think shambling from the hangover of last night's adventure. "Give it a shot!"

The sex shops in Nevada come in two flavors, there's the kind that has neon lights everywhere and windows displaying bondage goods and then there's the kind that is just a plain sign with a windowless building, giving no details as to what lays inside.

Sadly, this one is one of the latter, owing to the fact that the shiny stores don't usually put inflatible sheep on the shelves. The narration refuses to answer why they know this.

Date: 2009-04-15 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Well, given the lack of neon, Laini doubts this is the sort of place that carries novelty sci-fi vibrators. But all things considered, it more than likely has a very good stock of bootleg porn vids.

Only one way to find out.

With a bright, vacant smile and a nightclub walk, Laini saunters inside the store. The lighting in the corners is thankfully dim, the shelves dusty, and the one clerk behind the register is sitting with his feet up on the counter, paging through a vintage issue of Hustler. He looks up-

Well, Laini certainly did put her shapeshifting abilities to good use- as the clerk does not seem to be able to move his eyes off of her chest.

Ahem.

Winking, Laini leans over the counter.

"'Morning, handsome. I'm wondering- would you maybe have a copy of Tailshakers 8, the Pizza Invasion?"


That episode is considered a classic, in some places in Underhill.

Date: 2009-04-15 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
...Mother is not asking where Laini learned that trick. He's staring with the clerk for moment, since his brain really never is home anyways.

The clerk's eyes never stray from the magical talking breasts that are laying on his counter, sitting upright.

"Uh....yeh...I think uh-huh... it's over in the uh-huh-uh Gonzo section..."

Date: 2009-04-15 06:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Laini would be batting her eyes here-

Except no one is really looking at her face, at the moment.

"Mind showing me?"

Date: 2009-04-15 06:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"Sure." Clerk Lazy of the S.S. Jackoff has now just left his register and on target, following the twin commanders. "Right this way."

Aaaaand that's Mother's cue to start raiding and going through the shelves of inflatible love-toys. Donkey, sheep...

You know what, Mother's not even going to ask about the inflatible love-lioness and the pony. While Clerk, whose nametag now shows his name is Kenny, is busy showing Laini the Gonzo section...there's a small stack of boxes piling up by the register.

Date: 2009-04-15 06:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
DHS tapes are almost considered antiques in Laini's time-

Most bootleg anythings would have been burned onto DVDs after being downloaded online.

It's quite a blast from the past, and Laini is quite enjoying herself!

"Oooo-OOO-oooh! Is that Debbie Does Dallas: Part Two: Y'all Come Again?"

Conveniently located on the bottom shelf.

Well, Kenny isn't looking at her chest for a few moments, now.

Date: 2009-04-16 12:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
From that gurgling sounds, Kenny's not going to be talking without giving someone a saliva shower either.

Laini could probably tell him to burn something down and he would do it if it meant he'd get laid by the lady browsing porn in front of him. He certainly doesn't notice the stack of boxes piling up at the register.

Date: 2009-04-20 07:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Nice to know, that even after all this time, she still has it.

Even if all Laini is doing with 'it' is dazzling easily-impressed porn shop clerks.

Every couple of minutes, she does manage to glance up to the counter, and when it seems like Mother has cleared out the store's stock of inflatable sheep, Laini starts meandering her way back in that direction.

"Oh, now really, Kenny- Kenny, was it? Such a strong name. But as I was saying, I haven't seen a collection this big in such a long, long time. Your stock is simply, simply...

Enormous."

Date: 2009-04-21 02:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
Laini, you better hope Mother packed wet-naps in the RV, cause Kenny is saying it with spray as he babbles at her, checking out each item, both VHS's...and he's about six inflatible animals in before he looks at the boxes.

Then the light just goes on in the back of his head, staring at the inflatible 'leona the love lioness' with realistic velvety vinyl...and then slowly at Laini.

"Uh...I must've grabbed this by mistake."

Date: 2009-04-21 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
"Oh, not at all." Laini chuckles, and winks at Kenny.

"Party favors for a bash I'm throwing. It gets a little wild, no pun intended."

Date: 2009-04-21 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
.

.

.

"...uh."

Laini you broke his brain.

"....will that be cash or credit card?"

Date: 2009-04-21 03:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Beaming, Laini holds over a wad of cash.


... what, use a credit card and leave a trail for the local cops after all that hard work of distracting the store clerk? Perish the thought.

Date: 2009-04-21 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
With practised ease, the purchases are double-bagged and handed over, with the correct change, after having been paid for.

And when Laini exits the shop, Mother is right by the door, doing a very good job of laughing quietly.

Kenny on the other hand, is going to be haunted by the lovely 'lady?' for a good many nights after tonight, wondering what the hell kind of party she was going to be throwing. If she really was a she that is. After all, Las Vegas is just within spitting distance of here.

Date: 2009-04-21 03:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Laini manages to keep a straight face (barely!) until she gets into the RV.

Then it is a good thing that Mother is driving, as Laini is laughing so hard she can hardly see straight.

"I don't even think he looked at you. Or up past my chest. Sweet Mother of Acceleration- you'd think the sort of guys running these shops would be at least a little bit jaded."

Date: 2009-04-21 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"I don't think anyone female has stepped foot in that store and been actually interested in a bootleg of Debbie Does Dallas." Mother isn't too far off from snickering. "I think two more places like this... and I'll stop by one of the ones that DOES cater to women and just wait outside for you."

Date: 2009-04-21 04:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
"Not just any copy of Debbie Does Dallas- this was the sequel!" Laini sniffs, managing a haughty look. "There's a difference." She gives Mother a sideways look-

And dissolves into giggles again.


The next shop they stop at is a bit more high class- at least, if the ton of neon lighting is any indication. Laini changes her clothes into something a bit higher class as well- if you count skintight black leather 'high class', that is. The clerk at the front counter looks a little more polished than Kenny-

"Hey there, handsome." Laini winks, leaning over. "I'm looking for that new Star Trek vibrator- mind showing me your... selection?"

Maybe a little more polished, yes- but either he has excellent customer service skills, or Laini is still proving distracting enough.

Date: 2009-04-21 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
Well, Mother is just going to be counting on that distraction as he once again peruses the inflatible love-toys.

When Laini comes back there's at least 2 of every animal and one matched pair of inflatible bondage dummies, male and female.

And 4 packs of glow-in-the-dark condoms.

Date: 2009-04-21 04:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
And also when Laini returns, the clerk is enthusiastically selling the points of the Star Trek Vibrator version 2.1, complete with sound effects and 10 different warp settings.

Maybe a little too enthusiastically, but afterall, this is Vegas! And Laini isn't helping by asking a lot of detailed questions.

Mother may not want to listen to the detailed answers as the clerk starts ringing up the stack of boxes on the counter.

Date: 2009-04-21 04:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
...Bit too late for that now.

Tomorrow's going to be a brand new hangover, yes it is.

Date: 2009-04-21 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
And when every single detail of the Star Trek Vibrator ("Make it so, Number One!") has been exhausted, Laini and the clerk move on to the Dalek Lube Dispenser ("FOR-NI-CATE").

... At least it's keeping Gene so distracted he isn't even noticing the stack of inflatable animals he's ringing up and bagging.

All part of the plan.

Date: 2009-04-21 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
Yeh, you know what Mother's just going to wait outside and hope for the best now.

And that's where he's waiting, just outside of the neon sextoy shop for Laini to come out.

"Having fun?"

Date: 2009-04-21 05:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Laini's grin is 100% unashamed and unabashed.

"Just wait a few years to see what technology comes up with next, when it comes to things like this."

Carrying the shopping bags, she heads for the RV, whistling 'The Internet is for Porn'.

"So, how many of these do you think we need?"

Date: 2009-04-21 05:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"I think after this store, that makes 13 pairs of animals, if you don't count the two human blow-up dolls." He's cackling now, which is a bad sign at the office. "I think we can pick up the hardware goods and hit up some hardware stores for chemicals."

"We still need polyurethane insulation foam, and some paint."

Date: 2009-04-21 05:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
"Too bad we don't have an Ark we can float on a water hazard." A bit wistfully.

"... Do I need to try my hand at distracting hardware store guys?" With another sideways look at Mother.

Laini's up for it, if needs be!

Date: 2009-04-21 05:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"..." For a moment, you can hear the gears in Mother's warped little head turning as he ponders that. "...nah. Don't have the time to build it."



What? They're going to a hardware store, the goods to make one are there.

"No I don't think so...someone flirting with the hardware clerk might attact more attention...we just have to split up and take different lists."

Date: 2009-04-24 05:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Hm. Well, Laini does not have an Ark programmed into her PDA. But she might be able to think of something to do with a golf course water hazard. Just maybe.

She winks, and tosses off a salute to Mother as she buckles up. "And be perfectly, run-of-the-mill, Joe Average normal and forgetable. Totally doable!"

Date: 2009-05-12 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"Ofcourse it is, no one's going to suspect several purchases spread out over a 10 mile radius." Mother is actually whistling jauntily, and tunelessly between cackles.

Date: 2009-05-26 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Of course, Joe Average normal and forgettable does not wear black leather, or Daisy Duke cut-offs, alas. With a slight sigh, Laini ponders on what 'normal people' around here might actually wear, when not looking to be sexy, cute and distracting.

... Which does bring her mind to a very important detail.

"Mother?" Cue the oh-so-innocent glance over to him.

"Here I am, dressed up like this-" Does she have to indicate the black leather body suit, here? "-in order to have fun distracting the clerks and any other straight members of the male gender, and yet there's been no comment or reaction whatsoever from you." Laini raises an eyebrow.

"Aren't you finding me the least bit... distracting, like this?"

Date: 2009-05-26 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
...Uh-oh.

That is all it takes for the part of Mother's brain devoted to self-preservation to stand at attention and very carefully pick out his next few words.

"...Laini, I find you distracting as all hell really."

Pause.

"But after my third ex-wife I learned that I should really not the hell ever let my dick do the thinking for me."

Date: 2009-05-26 07:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
Of all the possible answers Mother could have chosen-



He managed one of the very few of them guaranteed to both flatter Laini, and also to NOT make her consider the idea of 'Distract Mother with Sex Fantasy Outfits'.

Congratulations, Mother. Laini may have already been liking and respecting you, but you've gone up by several dozen points by saying that. Laini beams, and settles back into her chair.

"Why, thank you, Mother."

Date: 2009-05-26 07:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"You're very welcome," He replies, relaxing a little now that the powerful female alien is appeased and not feeling too much like tormenting him.

And really, the shopping gets done that much faster in the hardware stores when Laini is a happy lady.

And happy shopping ladies bring back mad loot.

The clerk didn't even bother asking what she wanted the barrel of foam insulation for.

Date: 2009-05-29 03:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
And after the barrel of foam insulation has been delivered out to the RV and wrangled on board, and the clerk has gone back to the hardware store, Laini glances over at Mother.

"Want to re-cap exactly what this is for, again?"

Date: 2009-06-09 04:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"...the hardware supplies?" He's just giving her that look, of 'you are joking, right?'. It also has a hint of 'duh' in it.

"The polyurethene foam is for making rock-hard foam-sculptures on their wonderfully well-sculpted greens, as is the case of plastic forks, and the thing of TP. The other stuff is to mess with the other things keeping their greens and fairways healthy, diesel into their lil golfcarts to kill the the engines."

"The toilet repair gear and small engines are for a....very specialized prank I wish I could do to every bathroom out there...but I'll settle for the ones in the country club themselves."

Date: 2009-06-19 05:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxy-l33t.livejournal.com
"... I've never been much of an engineer, but I'll think I'll be taking notes for that last part." Laini nods, sagely.

"And since we're not doing an Ark, I think I got a few ideas as to what can be done to the water hazards. Provided, of course, Jaws is an actual movie in this world too."

Hey, you never know! But Laini's hoping.

But if not, there's always hentai.

Date: 2009-06-19 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yucca-isnt-porn.livejournal.com
"...you know, with what I'm planning to do to the toilets...maybe something a little more 'Evil Dead 2' is in order." Mother replies. With what he has in mind, skeletons and half-dead zombies rising out of the water hazards might be much more effective. Maybe even zombie-tentacles.

But this is getting ahead of themselves.

And it is a long drive to Black Mesa, and plenty of planning to be done in high spirits along the way.

It takes time to plan the sorts of headaches they're going to give.

And somewhere, Gordon Freeman and Zed of the MiB just got a cold chill down their spines.

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